


отчаяние - Despair

by sophoklesworld



Series: Red Room Repercussions [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Red Room (Marvel)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-08
Updated: 2017-05-08
Packaged: 2018-10-29 17:18:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10858530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sophoklesworld/pseuds/sophoklesworld
Summary: Bucky didn't even get to enjoy five minutes before the Avengers have to tend to Urgent Business with the Hulk.Which leads to some tension between Bucky and Natasha.





	отчаяние - Despair

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel for Nadezhda. I hope you enjoy.  
> I do have two more ideas for titles (yes, no plot but titles:D) so if I'm ever gonna get around to it, there will be two more parts...

“Sir”, a female voice came from all around them. Bucky still sat on the bed he woke up in, rubbing his jaw where Natalia’s still burning blow connected.

None of the other’s seemed particularly concerned by the voice but it confused Bucky, and he checked the room.

“Yes, Friday?”, Stark said with a sigh.

“There are reports of an attack in Boston — sightings of the Hulk, if the witnesses are anything to go by, Sir.”

At that, Steve and Stark’s faces fell and they shared a worried look. Bucky, who still had his eyes on Natasha didn’t miss how she tensed just the tiniest bit. Her eyes wavered when she looked at Steve.

 

Bucky was supposedly healed now but he hadn’t forgotten what he lived through. He hadn’t forgot any details and his brain didn’t fail to supply him with facts on Steve and his team now. Everything he had read in HYDRA files.

 

**_Hulk_ **

_Doctor Robert Bruce Banner_

_Born in: Dayton, Ohio_

_Date of Birth: Unknown_

_Last known residence: Stark Tower_

_Latest Disappearance: 2015, during the Sokovia Incident_

 

_Appearances in different incidents all over the country, disappeared for years at a time._

_Powers presumably received due to an accident with gamma radiation. Cannot be killed by any commercial method —_

 

 

“Friday, get the Quinjet ready. We’re on our way.” Stark’s voice cut through Bucky’s thoughts.  
He scrambled to get up, but was held back not only by Natalia, but also by Steve who was in front of him in a heartbeat.

“You’re _not_ coming.” He put on his Cap voice, meant to command people without any protest and Bucky hated it with all his heart.

“I am not breakable, Steve. Let me help”, _you might need it_ , he didn’t say but implied it — there had been incidents where the Avengers fought against their own radiated member and it could’ve caused serious consequences.

“You’re not coming”, and why was Nat on Steve’s side here? Bucky stared at her incredulously.

“You’re kidding, right? Him, I can understand — even though he’s usually the one getting in trouble and needing me to save his sorry ass —”, he threw a pointed look at Steve, “but you? You know very well I can handle myself and I can _help_.”

“We don’t know for sure how much the treatment affected you, отчаяние.”

 

The endearment was like a punch to his heart. He hadn’t heard it in years. Nat hadn’t spoken to him like this, before Steve had put him to sleep again. That she did it now, recalled memories of times long gone. When she had been his Nadezhda, his Hope and he’d been her Despair. (Of course, he didn’t really cause her despair but he brought despair wherever he went, back then. To her, it was some ironic poetic metaphor that wherever she went, people started to hope — her beauty alone was enough to plant the first seeds — only to be followed by the Winter Soldier who left despair and desperation in his wake.) But never before had she used this name outside of dark nights and places where they had talked in hushed tones, shared forbidden touches and exchanged meaningful glances. Only then, Natalia would let down her guard enough to actually utter that name. Even if it was true enough and wouldn’t look like something special to others. The only endearment she used with even more care, was тот кто приносит, Lightbringer, which she only used twice in their lives. Both times, there was only skin between them, clothes shed, flung to every side in the confined spaces sheltering them for the night. Both times, sweaty bodies had moved together, against each other in frantic, consuming motions followed by slow and tender movements, each touch savoring and devouring at once. It were the only times where Natalia actually, truly, let herself even think about a possibility of hope, of a chance, a light in the dark. About Bucky being the light in her darkness, to show her a way out. And then, in Budapest, he had left her behind.

 

Shaking off all the memories that rushed in with the word, Bucky opened his mouth to defend his position, to fight for his chance to come with them. But there was something in Natalia’s eyes that made him stop. It was there, in the way she had said 'despair', in the way her eyes shimmered dark, in the way her shoulders had tensed up just the slightest bit. _She didn’t want him there_.

 

And she was hiding something. Up until now, Natalia only ever twice hid something from Bucky. Both times, he caught onto her because she jerked her hand in a tiny movement to fiddle on her thumb nail with her index finger. It shouldn’t be alerting. It wouldn’t even register as extraordinary behavior if it was anyone else. But Nat’s movements were always calculated and cutting out every unnecessary muscle contraction. She was flawless and could lie to anyone with a blink of her eyes. She didn’t have a tell, but whenever she tried to keep something from Bucky… it didn’t work out for her too well.

Now, she was hiding something again. Whatever his reaction might’ve to this disobedience in the Red Room, it couldn’t be his reaction here. He didn’t want it to be, either. What he wanted was to talk to her, hold her and wait for her to tell him.  
But he knew it wasn’t possible — the Hulk was loose in Boston, and they had to take care of him. With or without him — this time, apparently without him. He held Natalia’s eyes for a moment, willing her to elaborate. Without success.

"Okay", he sighed, defeated. "I just want to state that I am not responsible if Steve gets in trouble again and that I offered my help, just for the record."

Tony snorted. "Duly noted. I will 'save his sorry ass', if necessary."

With a head shake he turned around and left the room, all the while shouting out orders for Friday.

Steve placed a hand on his shoulder. "We’ll be good. Promise you won’t leave the building and stay out of trouble."

Indignantly, Bucky stared Steve down. After a minute he raised his hands in surrender. "Okay, I know, I know, I’m a hypocrite."  
"Barely", answered Bucky sarcastically. "You’d promise, and still manage to get in trouble without even leaving the _room_."

Steve shook his head with a rueful smile. "When we’re back, I’ll take you to dinner in Brooklyn. Sound good?"  
"Good enough", grunted Bucky. "Now go already."

 

The moment the door closed behind Steve’s retreating back, Bucky’s eyes were back on Natalia.

"You’re hiding something." He couldn’t let her leave without even trying.

She wasn’t surprised. And she didn’t deny it.

"I do. And I will keep it to myself for now."

Bucky searched her eyes intently. None of them budged, their eyes fighting a harsh and unrelenting match of dark and hard orbs, violent and deadly.

After a while, Bucky nodded. Natalia relaxed, the tension in her shoulders reducing a fraction.

She moved towards him, put her hands on his shoulders.  
It broke Bucky’s heart into a million shreds that she was more careful with him again — not that he didn’t deserve it. Before Budapest, she would’ve put her arms around his neck instead. He didn’t dare to reciprocate and left his hands on the mattress.

Still, she put their foreheads together, closed her eyes and breathed deeply.

"отчаяние", she breathed in the air between them and Bucky’s heart melted all the broken pieces back together. It wasn’t forgiveness, not by a long shot but it was a gateway to the long way of redemption. With a chaste kiss, light as a feather, Nadezhda removed herself and headed away.

In the doorway, she turned around.  
"When Steve brings you back from dinner, you and I are going to play Poker with a bottle of vodka."

And with a scary smile she was gone.

 

Within five seconds, Bucky was out of the bed and across the room.

Promptly, he cursed Stark because the doors were locked. His only way out of the room would be via brute force through the walls and Bucky wasn’t too keen on that. On the other hand, he didn’t appreciate being stuck in a small room, either, even though it beats a tube.

He sighed. Seems like he was stuck. His brain went through all the possibilities, dismissing almost every idea immediately.

"Friday?", he tried. Maybe Stark’s computer would talk to him.

"Yes, Mr. Barnes?", the voice asked. Bucky was kind of glad, that the voice was female. Bodiless voices, especially male ones, carried a lot of unwanted memories.

"Of course, you know my name", Bucky muttered under his breath.  
"I do know the names of everyone in this building, Sir. How can I assist you?"

"Can you keep me updated about the team and the happenings in Boston?"

"I can show you the newsfeed, if you wish."

"That would be great but maybe I can tap into the comm with the others?"

The voice was silent for almost a minute and Bucky started to think he broke it or angered it in some way.

"Master Stark does not allow your inclusion into the communication, Sir."

Bucky rolled his eyes and considered the destruction as plan B again. Would serve Stark right.

"Why didn’t you ask Cap? Please ask Steve."  
"Sir, Mr. Rogers said he wouldn’t mind, but Master Stark as well as Mr. Barton and Mr. Romanov did not seem very inclined to approve of your suggestion."

And that hurt. Natalia didn’t want him to listen in. He could understand Stark. Tony loved to be antagonistic and Barton seemed to be a general pain in the ass. Bucky spent about 30 minutes of his last waking time with him and already considered choking him. But that Nat didn’t want him to listen in — she was hiding something big.

"Well, but Steve is the leader, isn’t he? If he doesn’t mind, you shouldn’t have a problem with letting me listen in."

Barely five minutes awake and he was trying to outsmart a robot. Bucky couldn’t believe that this was his life now — what was next, living with pop tart eating demigods?

 

In the few moments the computer used to consider his statement, Bucky relished in the feeling of Natalia using this pet name. It was like coming home. And the fact that she used it in public — even just in the presence of friends. Like it wasn’t forbidden anymore, like there wasn’t a danger waiting at every corner. Like they were _allowed_. And like they could trust the people around them with this piece of information. Rationally, he knew they could. This was Steve, and he would always trust him and his judgement was enough for Bucky. It’s just been so long that he last had been open about anything, that he could trust people. It would take him a while to get used to it.

 

"I believe your logic is sound, Mr. Barnes."

"Really?", Bucky grinned, surprised that it had worked. He didn’t really know Stark but he would bet  his arm that Tony would throw a temper tantrum about this, later. "Patch me in, then."

He sat back, on his bed.

 

Two minutes into the fight and a lot of Steve shouting out orders, a loud crash resonating through the comm and the distinct colorful cursing of Barton, Bucky grew restless and annoyed. He didn’t know what happened, and the audio was only slightly comforting.

Several minutes and an even louder explosion, there was silence for so long, that Bucky almost forced his way out of the building just to follow the team.

Then, Steve called out.

"Talk to me, guys."

"I will never, ever again, try to make him angry." Stark groaned, disdainfully.

With a snort, Barton answered. "Yeah, right. Maybe for the next three days. All bets on the latest date from now on being 10 days and 6 hours. Friday, if you could put a mark in my calendar, please?"

"I don’t know whether to be proud of you for not swearing or if I should be annoyed that _this_ is what you think appropriate in this situation." Steve sounded mildly amused but Bucky’s heart started to ache.

_Where is she?_

"Friday, is this a two-way communication?"

"Now it is, Mr. Barnes."

"Steve, your whole fucking 'language’ talk during every mission is very noble, what the fuck just happened and _where is Nat?_ ", Bucky swore.

There was a silence as if they were looking around, properly chastised and reminded of another team member being at stake, maybe seriously hurt.

"Friday, visual!"

"Sir, Master did not clear you for visuals on this mission."

It took Bucky a deep breath and all of his energy to _not_ rip apart the room and the whole AI.

First and foremost he was a soldier and he should be able to operate under these conditions. So he breathed.

"A team member is in danger. I know her, I know in which ways she may react in certain situations, so I might be of help. Please, let me have a visual."

Before Friday could object again, Steve interrupted.

"Give him visual, Friday."

 

Whatever Bucky had expected — a field of devastation, debris surrounding the team, fire and smoke —, it was not this. The first thing he saw, when the screen flickered to life, was Natalia, her flaming red hair pulling him in. She seemed fine, and Bucky took a stuttering breath, relief flooding him.

Then he saw where she was standing and his stomach turned. It wasn’t like he didn’t think she could defend herself. But seeing her, standing in front of an extremely angry looking _Hulk_ , looking calm and not even _willing_ to fight her way out of this situation… that was something he never wanted to see.

Mouth hanging open, Bucky watched the scenery, heart pounding in his chest.

He wanted to scream, yell at her to move but even though he wasn’t there, could only talk through the comms, he didn’t want to scare Banner and wreck potentially more havoc, since for now, he seemed utterly unmoving. Something about the scene put Bucky off.

Suddenly, he realized that Nat was humming a tune. He knew it, but for the first few beats, couldn’t put a finger on it. Then, memories came washing back in. The Red Room, girls and boys being trained to  become assassins. Sometimes, the main room turned red quite literally. In the nights after he had made them clean up the bloody mess, the girls used to sing it before they went to bed.  Tili tili bom. A Russian lullaby. He pretended he didn’t but Bucky had liked to listen in. Natalia’s voice had always been enthralling. And it wasn’t any different now.

In the back of his mind, Bucky wondered why Natalia chose this song. Maybe because it reminded her of the only calm moments that resembled something akin to happiness. As much as there could’ve been in the Red Room.

His eyes fixed on the screen, Bucky watched Nat lift her hand. His hand raised in its own accords, mirroring Nat’s movements. He pressed his finger tips to the screen.

It was a disturbing sight, the way the tension bled out of the Hulk’s shoulder while Nat’s voice echoed over the battlefield.

Even though Bucky could relate, this was still a monster standing in front of this beautiful redhead. A small voice in the back of his head reminded Bucky, that he was a monster, too. Maybe even worse. He shook the thought. He’d never intentionally hurt Nat.

But the Hulk didn’t seem inclined to hurt her, either. Instead, he took deep breaths and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he put his hands to Nat’s.

And now — now Bucky realized what had been so strange to this scene. It made his stomach churn, his heart ache and his mind rage. Because _how_ could Natalia speak to him like this, call him _this name_ and simultaneously/at the same time having at least _some_ kind of relationship with someone else.

 

That was the moment Bucky could put a finger to it. Why this looked so strange to him. Because Natalia never put herself in harms way without putting down her opponent. She’d only done it once before, when she stood her ground and didn’t fight. That time, it had been against Bucky.

Bucky knew, like him she would do this for Steve, too. Maybe for all of her team mates. And he cannot fault her for that. He’s happy she’s got a team that looks after her, even though she doesn’t need looking after. But the fact that this scene looks so incredibly _intimate_ to the people surrounding them. In the periphery of the screen Bucky can see Steve who looks away, _tactfully_ , like he wants to give them _privacy,_ when the Hulk lowers his head and Nat’s and Banner’s foreheads touch.

 

Nat never once wavers in her humming. Bucky closed his eyes. Where the humming had evoked feelings of the most content times in the Red Room just a minute ago, it now for some reason caused Bucky to relive the feelings of his first day as a trainer with the order to punish Natalia.

* * *

In that moment, so many years ago he had _hated_ her. She had been the sole focus of his forceful and angry attention. They made Bucky do terrible things, and she had been there to take the worst of if. She had been there to take the blame, the hatred, the scorn and wrath and she took it all with the grace of a ballerina. And Bucky hated her even more. He hated her for not letting him kill her, for not killing _him_. He hated her, for her eyes saw right through him while she took an ugly and tempered beating.

He hated her because in the quiet of his head that hard stare caused him to admit to himself, that he didn’t hate her. He hated himself.

That night, he went to the girls sleeping chamber for the first time. He wasn’t surprised to see that Natalia was the strongest of all girls. Not physically, but emotionally. She sang, louder than the others and her head held high as Bucky watched from the shadows. She was full of pride and power and showed no fear, like she anywhere but the Red Room.

And Bucky swore that he would never again blame her or any of the other girls for his bad luck and his guilt.

When the last voices subsided, the room grew quiet and sleep heavy breathing grew more audible. Bucky waited for a while longer to make sure everyone was asleep.

Then he made his way over to Natalia’s bed.

She wasn’t asleep. Bucky hadn’t expected her to be. He was sure he had spotted him the second he arrived.

Her large eyes stared back at him through the darkness. None of them talked but they fought a non-verbal fight through their eyes alone.

Bucky knew the expectancy in Natalia’s eyes meant she thought he was here to hurt her. And she was ready to fight back.

Her features were already so incredibly well trained, that the surprise in her eyes was barely visible in the night, when Bucky opened his hand and showed her the gauze and salve.

He raised a questioning eyebrow and received a tiny nod in return. So he cowered down next to her bunk and carefully, like he was reaching out for a deer in the headlights, he touched her shoulder. She didn’t pull back immediately and he saw that as a good sign, but he also knew that she wouldn’t hesitate a second to kill him if he made one wrong move.

Slowly and with a soft touch he pulled back the collar of her night gown a little where he knew the biggest damage had been done.

 _By me_ , he reminded himself.

In the darkness the hematoma was only a slightly darker shadow on Natalia’s smooth skin but he was sure, tomorrow, in the light of day, when he caught a glimpse if the bruise it would be a painful reminder of all the things that he had done already, the things he hated here and all the even worse things that were still to come.

Carefully, he put cream on it before he tended to her other, smaller wounds. He kept his touches as pressure-less as he could and pretended he hadn’t seen the flinch when he came across a surgical scar on her stomach, a week old at most, clumsily stitched and that he apparently had reopened. Bruises were forming all over Natalia’s stomach and the cut was oozing some blood. He treated her as well as he could with what little things he had at his disposal. With each injury he revealed, the guilt(there's gotta be a better word) grew.

 

After he had finished with the biggest wounds and bruises he stood. The smaller cuts and bruises would have to heal on their own. Considering where they were, Natalia probably didn’t have a problem with those. He looked at Natalia’s face. She was staring back at him and with a brief touch to his hand, light as a feather and a curt nod she turned around to go to sleep.

 

* * *

 

Now, he was transported back to that moment. It wasn’t a nice feeling.

Bucky took a deep breath and shook the memories from his mind. When he opened his eyes, Nat was still standing in front of the Hulk. He seemed smaller. Still green, but a little smaller. Their hands were pressed together and it was like they were taking a very unusual wedding picture, 

surrounded by piles of stone and metal, smoke and ashes and friends in spandex and iron.

 

As Bucky watched, the Hulk shrunk in on himself, heavily breathing. His skin color changed and and the bright green Hulk turned into a sickish green Banner. A minute later, his skin had taken on the usual pale tone of a man that didn't leave his lab very often. Banner shivered, breaking against Natalia and Bucky wanted to scream at the closeness between the two people when Natalia put her arms around Banner and held him up.

He hadn't hated Natalia since that first night, instead loathed everything around them that made them who they were. And now he _wanted_ to hate her, for calling him her отчаяние and not meaning it. But he couldn't. She was his Nadezhda, no matter what she did or who she loved. He was his Nadezhda but she still was her own person. Not being able to hate her, though, meant he had even more hatred left for Banner. Because he took Natalia away from her. She was _his_ Nadezhda, not Banner's.

 

Bucky hadn't realized the screen turning black, that picture of them still burned into his eyes.

The destruction was over, the danger banned ( _Banned_ , get it? Banner; banned! haha) and the team would come back soon.

Bucky sat down heavily. He couldn't do anything but wait now, so he closed his eyes and did just that.

 

* * *

 

When Steve entered his room, Bucky looked him dead in the eye.

Steve looked worried (naturally) and also guilty. Of course, he knew there was something more than just acquaintanceship between Natalia and Bucky. He probably gathered as much just because of the way Bucky looked at her. Maybe Nat told him some facets of their lives.

Bucky didn't really care.

"Why did you guys keep this from me?"

"Hey, don't put this on me. You know it's not my place to tell. I wanted Nat to tell you but that was still her decision to make. And you know very well I wouldn't give up other people's business or secrets, even if I think someone else deserves to know."

Bucky shook his head. "Yeah, because you're _you_. Mr. Righteous at your service."

He saluted mockingly and received a light punch to the shoulder as Steve sat down next to him.

"I'm sorry", he said quietly. "She's coming here, soon. I told her our dinner was off for the time being, until she talked to you. I just wanted to check in on you, first. And if you're hungry I can get you something?"

Steve sounded worried again. Bucky shook his head, a tiny smile playing around his lips.

"I'm good, you old mother-hen. Go and get your super-metabolism some food, though. I don't want you to die of starvation."

Steve snorted.

"Alright." He got up again and moved to the door.

With a look back to Bucky he added, "Good luck." and was gone."

 

* * *

 

Bucky grew impatient. Steve had left half an hour ago and the waiting didn't help with Bucky's temper.  He was hurt and wanted an explanation and apology.

The picture of this weird hug between Nat and Banner still haunted him, cutting deep in the walls of his defenses. He hadn't ever expected this. He never really believed Natalia and him would have an actual chance but it also didn't seem likely that any of them ever had something akin a real relation ship with anyone else.

 

He stood, striding through the room, thinking about what he would say to Nat. Every idea he had, he dismissed.

 

There once upon a time a curt knock on the door and Bucky considered to pretend he wasn't there. Natalia would very likely ignore it and enter, anyway.

 

"Come in."

Natalia was inside the room within a second and closed the door silently behind her. She stood there, her face a blank mask, eyes flicking through the the room. It was the only indicator that she was at a loss of what to do.

Bucky, still standing at the other side of the room, felt utterly unprepared. He closed and opened his fists in indecisiveness.

Moving towards the bed to make himself as comfortable as possible in this situation, he said, "Sit down."

Slowly, Natalia sat down as far away as she could. Her shoulders were tense, her feet flat on the floor, in a stance that even now allowed her to fight if necessary.

And while the lies and thing with Banner made Bucky hurt and angry, the fact that Natalia could ever think he'd attack her, that she was scared he would hurt her again, would want to take her down, made him so incredibly sad that he almost jumped up and retreated to the back of the room.

As it was, he only made a show of clasping his hands in his lap.

 

"You took your time", he said and it sounded more accusing than he meant it to be.

The fact that Natalia answered with a quiet, "I took Bruce to his rooms, made sure he was alright for now", made him wish he hadn't said anything at all.

"You didn't tell me." He still managed a calm and even voice.

"You just woke from a coma. There wasn't really time to tell you anything before we had to leave, was there", she answered.

 

Bucky took a deep breath and decided against reminding her that he had been awake a few months ago and that there had been plenty of time.

"You moved on, then." It was a statement, resigned and full of suppressed anger.

 

When Natalia spoke, it was to explain. "I thought you were dead", she started.

Bucky couldn't help it, he jumped up. He registered Natalia's small flinch, the way she got ready for a fight, and again it hurt and made him sad. So he kept his distance from her as he paced through the room. His voice, though, he raised to let at least some of his anger out.

"You knew, though! You tried to track me down, you said that yourself. You _knew_ and this thing between Banner and you started after we fought in Washington, didn’t it?"

Natalia’s momentary silence spoke for itself.

After a while, she said, "I don’t know what you want me to say. You’re turning this around any way it isn’t. Wouldn’t you want me to ever move on?"

Nat’s voice was calm but she stood, too, and the fire was burning in her eyes. Bucky knew he had overstepped a boundary by implying she wasn’t her own person. He felt bad immediately.

He sighed. "Of course not. This is not about you living your life and moving on. I want you to be happy and if I lost my chance to be part of your life the moment I left Budapest, I understand. I don’t blame you for my mistakes." Now he couldn’t keep his voice even anymore and pressed a low growl through his clenched teeth. "What drives me up the wall is the fact that you _lied_ to me, called me _отчаяние_. In _public_. Without even _meaning_ it. And you didn’t _tell_ me about you and Banner!"

"There’s nothing to say about me and Banner."

"Don’t lie to me, Nat," Bucky sighed, resigned. "It doesn’t suit you. And you don’t have to. You know that."

And this, he realized, this had to be as close to a breakdown Natalia had ever come in the company of others, and probably even in her own confined spaces. There was a shimmer in her eyes, like tears finally breaking through the carefully constructed barricade, nothing more than a veil of fluid shadowing her irises. Barely visible but there.  
Natalia sat down heavily, avoiding his eyes.

"I just don’t know what to do anymore," she said with a voice that was almost breaking.

 

Bucky’s anger dissipated. He hated this. Hated every second of her suffering but he knew he couldn’t do anything about it right now. She had to go through this. They both had to.

He sat down next to her, closer than he was before, as close as he dared. He extended his metallic hand, waiting patiently.

After a moment, she took his hand, entwining their fingers.

Bucky didn't have nerve endings in this hand. But there were thousands of tiny sensors embedded all through his prosthetic arm. They were connected to his brain via electrodes or something. He tried not to think about it too hard because that tended to make him sick and he didn't understand most of that technical stuff anyway. All he knew was that Tony Stark would have a field day if he were allowed to examine it.

For once, though, he was glad that the pressure of Natalia's touch was roughly translated in his brain and he knew that, after the initial shock at the cold material, she pressed into the contact, and held onto his metal hand tightly.

For a while, neither of them spoke. The tightness of Natalia's grip never once lessened. Bucky didn't mind.

"You weren't yourself when we fought in Washington. I hadn't seen you in so long and suddenly you're trying to kill me, again, with even more fervor than that first day. I was so hurt. I didn't know you didn't recognize me. And when you didn't recognize Steve, I really started to loose hope." She paused.

"Clint pulled me up again after Budapest. And after Washington, he was the first person I called. We all went to his place. Bruce and I always got along well. I knew he understood me, even before that night. I also knew he planned on leaving. He thought he was a danger to all of us. That night, I told him I'd go with him, run away with him."

It was quiet for a while until eventually, Bucky spoke.

 

"You have a thing for monsters." His voice was both angry and full of resignation.

"What does it matter, being one myself?"

Bucky looked at her in shock and felt the despair she named him after. He may have guessed, should have known she thought of herself as a monster but that didn't mean he had to like it. He never wanted her to feel like that. She was his guideline, his chance of a different life. Whenever he breathed her in it was like inhaling pure happiness.

As angry as he had been, the sadness overcoming him pushed it all away. He sank to his knees in front of her and took her face in both of his hands.

"Natalia! I won't deny that you did terrible things. We all did. But none of them were on your own accords. They were all orders and if you hadn't followed them, they would've killed you. The fact that you fought for your own survival doesn't make you a monster, okay?"

She had averted her eyes and Bucky lifted her head a little, so she had to look at him.

"Okay, Nadezhda?", he repeated softly, holding her eyes.

After a moment, she nodded.

"You have to know that nothing ever happened with Bruce. I apologized to him when I took him to his rooms, for even suggesting running away with him - and that is all I really did. I told him it was a mistake, that I just needed an excuse to leave." She paused. "But he _was_ there. And I let him in more than even Clint. I told him more about the Red Room than I ever said in one sentence. I don't regret it. It felt good to let go of some things. But I told him something, I never even told you. Not that you didn't know anyway."

Bucky just nodded at her words but when she came to that last sentence, his eyes flickered to her stomach for barely a second. She registered the movement of his eyes and just gave a small nod.

It had taken Bucky more than a week to find out what the surgery had been about. But when he had found out, it had made him furious. The fact that they not only sterilized the girls but also made them wear a _mark_ to always remember their place. The fact that they took not only the girls' humanity away with their training but also their chance to start a family. He understood the reasoning behind it — a child could cause those women to go rogue and that was something they could not allow.

Even though he hadn't known about it, he felt incredibly responsible, felt even worse about what he'd done in the Red Room, what he’d done to Natalia.

 

Carefully, he lifted Natalia's shirt over her hips, and touched his thumb across her scar. It was uneven, a reminder of the first day they met, when he had reopened it. Then, he pressed a light kiss to it.

"In the Red Room, you were the one who understood. But even then you still knew who you were and how to keep control. And then you left and changed and lost control completely. I just didn't know how to handle it."

"I know. And I am incredibly sorry for that, Nat. You deserve so much better. And the treatment — Nat, what if it didn’t work? What if I still don’t have control? I want you to be able to rely on me. I want to be able to rely on myself. My mind is a scary place when I lose control — like a nightmare. You know something is wrong. You’re lacking important pieces of information, the fact that this is a nightmare. Only that the pieces I was missing are _people_ and so many memories. And I just couldn’t wake up." Bucky looked in Nat’s eyes, his own features full of sorrow, still looking haunted.

"What if the treatment didn’t work?"

It was Natalia’s turn to put her hands on Bucky’s face.

"It _did_ work. Don’t you think Steve would have made sure of that? That the whole team wouldn’t have made sure? Admittedly, their reasons differed, especially Tony’s. He wants to protect Steve." Natalia grinned at him before growing serious again. "But each and every one of them has been here, has had various updates and the doctors had strict orders not to wake you if it wasn’t approved by Steve, Tony, Fury, Hill, me, Barton, Wilson, Vision and _fucking_ Coulson. So be assured that you are absolutely back under control of your own mind, alright?"

Bucky didn’t even know who 'Hill' or 'Coulson' were but Nat had made her point and he nodded and couldn’t help but grin a little himself. Still, he made a mental note to ask her what this Coulson person had done for her to hate them that much.

With a wink he said, "So, I remember you saying something about a bottle of vodka and a Poker game?"

Grinning, Natalia shook her head but stood up and pulled Bucky with her.

For a minute, they just stood there, face to face. Completely serious again, Natalia leaned in close and whispered against Bucky’s lips, "I meant what I said. You’re my отчаяние and nothing’s ever going to change that."

Sealing their lips in slow a kiss, Bucky smiled.

"To the Poker table, then." Natalia said with an evil grin, pulling Bucky along to her own room.

 

**Author's Note:**

> A friend helped with the Russian translations so I hope they're alright!


End file.
